Celebrity Stuff

Something random from July, 2000…

What’s happened to Lara Flynn Boyle’s legs? They look kinda like inverted horse’s legs — except that horses have more meat on their bones. And Jack Nicholson is schtupping her? Ghod, I hope she’s on top — otherwise, there would be nothing more than a mashed smear that was once Lara Flynn Boyle. If this woman loses any more weight, she’ll disappear into a single molecule. Yikes. It’s painful to look at her. I’d hate to get jostled by one of her elbows — I’d probably end up in the ER with a stab wound.

And speaking of skinny, wasted-looking extremities — take a look at Portia Di Rossi’s arm. Yuck. I’ve seen rubber bands with more bulk. Jeez, look at the deep crease running down the inside of her arm. Is that a loose triceps flapping under there? Double-yuck. Ick. Bleah. Oh, this is not attractive, Portia. Not at all. Oh, and those NutraVive by Loreal commercials with Portia raising her arms and flipping her silky blonde tresses. I mean, she’s wearing a jacket, but you can still see how emaciated her arms are beneath the sleeves. Then when she grabs a handful of hair and proclaims, “I’m worth it” — her bony hands look like small garden rakes with skin stretched over them. Yuck. Ick. Bleah.

Now, here’s healthy, proud-to-be-a-size-eight Daisy Fuentes. She looks like a real woman. You won’t catch this girl starving herself into desiccation. Uh-uh. I’m sure that Lara and Portia and the rest of their ectomorphic sistahs consider Daisy something of a porker. And I’m certain that to them, Kate Winslet is morbidly obese. Oh, heavens! She’s a double-digiter! Oh, my! Let’s tape her mouth shut so she can’t eat. She can slurp her meals through a straw like we do. Come over to the dark side, Daisy and Kate, they whisper as their skeletal arms beckon. Be one with us, and forsake thy food to be thy hallowed size zero…

No. I. Don’t. Think. So. Daisy and Kate are just fine as they are. They have healthy, strong bodies and they will not succumb to the siren song of starvation. I mean, why be a twig when you can be the tree?

News Flash to Lara and Portia: Eat a cookie or a piece of carrot cake with lots of cream cheese frosting or a bunch of barbecued chicken wings or a big bowl of butterscotch pudding or a bagel or a bowl of   Häagen Daz Dulce de Leche ice cream…or…something! Eat like a normal person, fer crissakes. You look like crap. Dammit.

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